Monday, July 26, 2010

Where do I begin?

I have over a decade of pent up anger, hurt, frustration and pain to express. I have a vision for this blog. My purpose for writing is two-fold. I need to get these feelings and emotions out. I need a safe place to bear my soul. But I also want to help other women like me. Living with someone with an addiction of any kind can be difficult. I can't speak out about alcoholism or drug addiction. My specialty is surviving the aftermath that comes with an addiction to pornography. You see, I married into it. I was young and naive. And in love. Boy did I love that man. And while I knew about my husband's struggle, I didn't understand it. I didn't realize the toll that it would take me him, on me, or on our marriage.

And here's the real question:

If I had known what I know now, would I have still married him?

Honestly, and it pains me to admit this, I don't know. So many experiences over the last decade have shaped me into the woman I am now. Unfortunately, there are aspects of this sculpted me that I hate. There are things that I have done that I despise.

But there are also so many blessing in my life. My children for example. And yet, when I try to picture myself reliving some of the most excruciating moments, I can't wholeheartedly say that I would want to go through it all again.

I'm am hurting and broken and feel so utterly alone in this. I don't make friends easily, and I can't openly talk about this very personal topic without exposing my husband, which I am not willing to do. I can't talk to my husband about it, because I can't bear to see the hurt on his face. I know you may be thinking "Why is HE hurt?"

You see, my husband loves me. And he loves God. And he HATES what this does to him. He HATES what it does to me. He hates to see me hurting. And I can see it in his eyes. He believes that his addiction to pornography defines him. He think that it is a part of him. Deep down, he believes that he will never be free. And I'll be honest. I'm really struggling right now to believe it myself.

I'm writing this just days after my husband's most recent fall off the proverbial wagon. A fall he wasn't going to tell me about. A fall he lied to me about when I confronted him. So the wound is still fresh. I don't know what form each post will take, or how I will share my story. But I know that I need to begin to heal, and I believe that some of that healing can come through writing. And I hope that I can be a source of comfort and hope for others out there who are lost and hurting and alone.


  1. While I have not experienced this particular hurt or addiction, I felt your pain in my heart as I read your post. I can only hope that this blog helps you heal and find the path to peace and recovery for you and your family. Sending you a big hug.

  2. I am soooo sorry you are going thru this. At least you are able to get your thoughts out in this way. My ex husband was addicted to porn, so I am familiar with the way it makes you feel when your significant other doesn't have the decency to keep your marriage sacred. Its so hard. I am now following you from twitter. I hope and pray that your husband can get help for his addiction.

  3. I am sorry for the hurt and pain you feel, the betrayals and lies that come with an addiction are never easy for someone to deal with. I have not experienced this kind of addiction, but I have experienced the pain of other types of addictions and what it does to everyone involved. I applaud your strength, your desire to help others, and the courage it takes to come forward. I'm a new follower from Bloggy Moms.

  4. I am grateful that you are posting your story. I KNOW that it will help a lot of people. I wonder how open and honest you can be, with your husband knowing that you are posting this, however. Thanks for your bravery!

  5. I've not hidden much from least not for long...and so I will be able to write anything I want. He won't read it all the time because he knows that I need to do this to express myself and have a safe place. I appreciate everyone's support.

  6. it is so wonderful that you do have a place that you can open up and vent about what is going on with your husband. While I do not know personally, I do know that you are not alone. did a series, He said She said, a few months ago on this vry subject. Maybe you could check that out. Her husband was also addicted to pornography and overcame it. They wrote the posts together about their obstacles.

  7. Thanks Keli. I'll definitely check it out.

  8. For every one that comments there may be ten your helping! Smart Girl!

    Following you