Saturday, July 31, 2010

Blissfully unaware

When I met Tom, over ten years ago, he was the perfect man (or so I thought).  A nice guy that everyone liked.  He was the ideal man.  I wasn't the only girl set on marrying him.  There were several girls who just knew that this was THE GUY that could make all their dreams come true.  He was kind, and he loved the Lord with a passion I had never seen before.  He was attractive and fun to be around.  His passion for serving God was one of the biggest attractions for me.  I wanted to marry a Christian guy who valued family and wanted to serve God.  I couldn't (still can't sometimes) believe that he would be interested in someone like me.   Remember, I'm the girl who believes that no one would ever CHOOSE me.

When we started dating, our relationship became very serious, very fast.  And it became sexual.  This was something I had never before experienced in a relationship.  I had barely kissed a guy, let alone allowed him to touch me.  With Tom though, I learned something I never would have imagined before.  The physical aspect of a relationship was intriguing to me, and it felt good.  How could something that I was raised to believe was wrong feel so good?  I knew sex before marriage was wrong-that is what I was taught, and what I believed.  What I didn't know is that I would actually WANT to do more than kissing.  I was very naive.  For Tom, the physical element of our relationship was new to him as well.  We found ourselves in a predicament.  We cared deeply for one another, and were also very attracted physically to one another.  We wanted to be alone and explore our bodies together, though neither one of us talked openly about it.  It was just something that hung in the air between us, unsaid.  As a young Christian couple, who believed that sex before marriage was wrong, this quickly became a problem.

About a month into our relationship, the struggle for purity began.  I can still vividly remember the day that our defenses weakened.  Really, it began from the moment we first kissed; we just didn't realize it.  But I can pinpoint the day that I allowed Tom to cross that line.  We had gone to a park.  We were walking along a trail, chatting and flirting playfully.  We should have never stepped off the path.  But we did.  We found this large rock, away from people and the trail we were on, sat down and began kissing; something we had done on numerous occasions.  Tom was lying back on this rock, with me leaning over him.  Things began to get heated, and for the first time in my life, I had thoughts that I couldn't understand.  I wanted him to touch me.  This was shocking to me.  I had two voices screaming inside my head, while my body felt like it was on fire.  One voice said "You want to know what it feels like" and the other "This is evil!"  To my surprise, Tom must have been hearing the same voices because his exploration of second base began that day.  And I let him.  Before too long, Tom was able to pull himself together, listen to the voice of truth and stop.  Feeling awkward and uncomfortable, and still very much wanting to continue what we had been doing, we walked back to the car.  We didn't talk about it much.  We both knew that what we had done crossed all the lines we had carefully drawn for ourselves, and it was uncomfortable to talk about.  But we knew it was wrong, and we silently vowed that it could not, WOULD NOT happen again.


  1. From another girl who feels like no one would ever choose her either, I give you a virtual hug! You are strong to be sharing this with the blogging world. With that being said I have nominated your for a blogging award! Stop by my blog to accept the award! ;)

  2. Thank you for joining Mama's Little Nestwork! I will add your blog to life blogs. Come and visit throughout the week and comment on featured bloggers. I will be choosing my featured bloggers from the members who show the most support to other members through comments! I look forward to doing four features a week! Come and visit my blog as well when you get a chance at Mama's Little Chick! :) Have a great night!

    Mama Hen