Thursday, August 5, 2010

Fears and questions

As I continue on this journey, I begin to see what shape this blog will take.  Some days, I will tell my story and what has molded and changed me, and what I have learned through this journey living with an addict.  Other days, like today, will be spent writing about present struggles, or victories, or whatever else happens to be going on in my mind/heart at the time.

Lately I have found myself wondering if Tom has been struggling again.  I can usually always tell.  Sometimes I will get this anxious feeling in my stomach.  Other times, it comes out in his behavior towards me.  He will seem distant or aloof.  Or he will be curt and edgy with me, and he is usually very mellow and easy going.  If he goes in to work early, or has to work late, or is up late at night after I have gone to bed, I always wonder.  And so I'll ask him if anything has been going on, and he will tell me no.  Sometimes he is emphatic.  Other times he says no.  Either way, I never know if I can believe him.  After all, I can't even count the times he has lied to me in the past.  I've told him so many times that I will support him and love him and pray for him, and stick with him through anything.  But I cannot stand dishonesty.  It infuriates me.

I know that sometimes he lies to "protect" me. or at least, that is what he tells himself.  Though it isn't really protecting me, because I always find out, eventually.  Sometimes he lies because he doesn't want to face himself.  Sometimes he lies because he doesn't want to give up the sin.  And I also know that I am not the best accountability partner for him.  But having someone check in on him from time to time is better than NO ONE.  And I don't ever even ask about it, unless I get that uneasy, anxious feeling.  Even then, it takes me a while to work up the courage to ask him.  After all, if I don't have to go through all the emotions and hurt and pain, why would I?

I am at a place where, after years of being lied to, I really don't believe him when he tells me that my suspicions are unfounded.  It has only been two weeks since the last "big" confession.  And Tom has had many opportunities to give in to the temptation to take that second look, surf the internet, fulfill his desires without me.  And the last few days I have felt that familiar, uneasy feeling.  I have wondered...and because I don't want to know or don't know how to approach the subject, I say nothing.

One of the great things for me, with this blog, is that I can now safely express my concerns and fears, without actually confronting Tom.  Because really, God has to convict him.  And Tom needs someone who will be blunt and persistent and ask him those tough questions.  Someone who is not me.  I hope that he finds that at Celebrate Recovery.  Someone who will come along beside him, who can move him to be honest with God and with himself.  He desperately needs someone to intervene and be a CONSISTENT support.  He knows all the right things to do, and all the right steps to take.  But he is all alone in this, and it is easy to KNOW what to do.  Much harder to do it.  Especially when Satan wants nothing more than to destroy our marriage.

Obviously MARvelous


Bassgiraffe's Thoughts Thursday Blog Hop

11 comments:

  1. wow ... thank you for your honesty and openness. it takes alot to share something so private. you are doing your best and i can understand not wanting to be lied to . im proud of you for not giving up and working through it all

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  2. Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement.

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  3. That's hard. It's hard for me to let go sometimes and wait for God's conviction to fall. I tend to think that I can control it all. Good for you! :)

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  4. Hey!

    Stopping by again. This is such a hard addiction to overcome because the internet is in almost every aspects of our lives. Its at work, its just everywhere. Almost every home has a computer in it and once you've entered the technology world, its so hard to go backwards. When does he start the Celebrate Recovery therapy?

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  5. What a wonderful and heartfelt post. Great job and keep up the hard work, you are doing a great job!
    I am a new follower from Thirsty Thursday, so glad to have found your blog and I really look forward to reading more. Have a great evening!

    Eloise
    Mommy2TwoGirls
    http://mommy2twogirls.blogspot.com/

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  6. I also give you credit and hope that everything works out for you both!


    I am now following you
    From Thirsty Thursday!


    Hope you will visit me here~
    http://debshere.blogspot.com/

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  7. Hi, I'm a new follower! Would love if you could follow me!

    http://momsreview4you.blogspot.com/

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  8. Thanks for sharing this. Very brave of you to post this.

    Hi! Stopping by from MBC. Great blog.

    Have a nice day!!

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  9. You are so right - your dear husband needs to be able to confess this to someone else and face up to it with someone else - someone whose heart it won't break and yet someone who will somehow have a greater impact upon him.

    I think as you say, he can rationalise his behaviour when it is just you and him - he can claim he is protecting you by not telling, or respecting you by telling....yet when he tells this to someone else there can be no pretending. He will see expose his sin for what it is - warts and all. It's not pretty. What would someone who is not desperately in love with him think of it all? Scary stuff.

    I also think you are right in that you can't ask anymore...I can understand the agony of not knowing but this has got to be your test too...can you leave him entirely to God - even if that means your husband might 'get away with it?.'

    I'm thankful that I don't have personal experience of this although I guess all of us who are married will have some level of trust issues. I have however been a listening ear for some precious ladies like yourself and want you to know that you are not alone. The Lord is with you and confirming this through perfect strangers you have never met.

    Be strong - keep rowing, the shore is in sight.

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  10. You are so right "God has to convict him". I come from a family of alcoholics, and my husband also suffers from this disease. It is so hard and we want things to change now, but must remember (as hard as that is) that God has His own clock. I so appreciate your honesty and ability to post such a personal issue. Blessings to you and yours!

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  11. You are all so wonderful and after a very rough, emotional night, you have uplifted me and given me hope. Thank you!

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