Saturday, August 21, 2010

A letter to Tom

Dear Tom,

I don't even know where to begin.  I feel like I did something wrong.  Like I should have done something differently.  I know you had a stressful few weeks.  Taking care of me while I was sick and taking care of the kids.  Work being out of control and stressful.  I know that when you are stressed you turn to your addiction.  I know that it is your "safe place".  And so I feel like I should have been more supportive.  I feel like I should have put aside my own sickness and stress and emotions and pretend to be something I am not (a happy, content woman), so that you don't feel like you have to turn to pornography.

When you fall, I blame myself.  I am edgy and mean on a good day and I haven't had many good days lately, so I know that I must be difficult to be around.  I know that I push you to find comfort and safety in the virtual arms of other women.  I know that I have hurt you in the past and I deserve nothing better.  I don't even deserve to be angry with you over it.

After all, didn't I find misguided comfort and safety in the arms of another man many years ago?  I will never be able to believe, no matter what you say, that you don't use my affair as an excuse to give in to sin.  And I know that my affair didn't start your downhill battle with pornography addiction.  I know that it was a problem long before you met me.  And yet, I see it as the moment when I ruined any chance you had to be free from your addiction.  Because when you are tempted and you try to escape temptation, I feel as if what I did is a constant reminder that I hurt you and makes it that much easier for you to justify looking at other women.

And while I don't blame you for running to your addiction instead of God (or me), I'm still hurt and sad.  I will never be enough for you.  You will never be able to look at me and think that you have everything you could ever want in me.  I am severely lacking, both physically and in an ability to be the wife you need me to be.  I am not as close to God as I used to be.  And most days, I don't try to be.  Perfecting a relationship with God is harder than fixing our marriage.  And on good days, at best, I only half want to try.  On bad days, I just don't care.  I know what is right and true and I am a coward.  I don't want to do the work.  It's too painful.

Last night, I wished that I had someone to run to.  Someone who would just hold me and assure me that everything was going to be OK.  Someone who would tell me all the things you are unable to.  Someone who would make me feel beautiful even though I'm not.  Someone who would desire me and ONLY me.  Someone who isn't addicted to pornography, whose view of women isn't skewed.  But I have no where to go.  And so we will try, like we always do, to find a way past this.

1 comment:

  1. God is always be the safest place to turn to.. :)
    I've never been in your shoes, so I don't know how is it feel..
    but, I have my own tough times too.. very tough times, that I once think maybe it would be better for me to just kill myself.. I had no one to turn to back then.. uncounted nights full of tears.
    I thought that I've already lost everything I have;
    but then I realized, maybe I should lost my everything just to know that God is the one my everything..

    Everything happens for a reason.. all the best and worst of men can't change the master plan of God.

    Thanks for sharing your story :)
    I don't know your name, but I will start to put you in my prayers ^____^