Friday, August 20, 2010

Wanting to flee

Tonight I want to run away...

It's been a bad week at work.  Tom and I have been disconnected all week.  And after a stressful Friday to close out the week, I found Tom in our room on his phone.  Not talking on it.  I expected to find him asleep.  I would have preferred to find him asleep.  Asleep would mean that he was dealing with his stress in a better way. Sleeping would mean I wouldn't have to fear.  I wouldn't have to worry about what he was looking at on his phone.

He didn't hide his phone when he heard me approach.  In fact, I had an anxious feeling, which is why I went in there to begin with.  I made sure to walk softly...knowing my fear may be founded, hoping it wouldn't be.  I asked him what he was doing.  He mumbled something about playing games on his phone.  I went into the kitchen to finish dinner.  A few minutes later he came into the kitchen and just stood next to me.  I kept doing what I was doing while he stared at me.  I started to get angry, because instead of TALKING to me, he just stands there.  I said "What are you doing?"

He told me he was going to help me.  I told him I didn't need help.  He kept standing there...staring.  I told him that I was surprised he wasn't in there sleeping and that it worried me that he was on his phone.  He kept looking at me...saying nothing.  I find this incredibly infuriating, but was too exhausted emotionally to confront it, let alone care tonight (about being infuriated).  I went to the living room and sat down, and he followed me.  He watched TV with the kids for a while, saying nothing to me.  I finally got up and went to my room and laid down on the bed.  He eventually made his way in there, sat down in front of me, leaned down and kissed my cheek.  Twice.  And then he said "I'm sorry."  Vague...

After dinner, unable to tolerate the silence anymore, I said "Was I right?"  After all, he knew what I was talking about.  He just kind of bowed his head and said "Yes."  I said "I'm right here.  After a stressful week THAT is your best solution?? Heaven forbid you just talk to me."  In case you haven't figured it out...he was looking at porn on his phone...I don't feel like I need to explain that, but if you are just tuning in and haven't read this blog before, it may be have been a little confusing.  He just kind of said "I know."

And because the kids are still up, we can't really talk.  Chances are he will pull away and not talk to me anyway after they go to bed.  I just want to get in my car and drive.  Or be somewhere, with someone.  Who wants me.  Who isn't addicted to pornography.  Someone who will give me everything I am lacking emotionally.  Knowing God is the answer and wanting to be adored by a real, live man are conflicting in my mind and heart right now.  I want a man to tell me I'm sexy.  I want a man to WANT me, to desire me.  To think that I am the most beautiful woman he has ever seen.  I want to be touched by a man without wondering if he just spent the last hour looking at porn on his phone just to make it tolerable to be with me.

On a good day, I can back up and know that there is no connection between our intimacy and pornography.  On the best day, I can separate them and know that the addiction has NOTHING to do with me.  But right now, this is how I feel.  This is where I am.  I'm hurt.  And I'm broken.  And I want to be anything but married to Tom right now.  I know I will regret saying that...and I know that deep down I don't mean it.  At least, I don't think I do.



  1. Oh how I hurt for you. I wish I had better words of comfort.

  2. I'm so sorry. I still think you should let him read this so he knows how you feel.

  3. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. This breaks my heart and makes me angry. I'm praying for all involved.

    Susieqtpies Scraps of Life

  4. I am angry for you, at your man and at the devil that holds us captive with these harmful addictions and the pain we are caused by them. God gets angry too at such things, believe me. Nothing moves heaven more than God's people in distress and calling on him. Go before the man above, pour that heart out the way you can envisage Hannah did after the drama in over her INFERTILITY was driving her nuts. Ask God to fix it His way, asap. Either to take you out of it or edit your man's needs or whatever, He alone knows whats best for us. Whatever you do,rejoice. Its okay for yo initial reaction to be sorrow,and feeling unwanted etc. DO NOT DWELL on these feeling,the Devil feeds of them and breaks you down. Thank God for all else He is doing and will do.Pray for others in yo situation as well, around the world with man who are porn watchers. When we pray for others, their guardian angels pray for us so the more you pray for others the better. I AM PRAYING FOR YOU AS WELL, FOR REAL!!!